Bad Influence

So, there's this kid that is friendly with my son, Sam, who’s 10.The kid (and the kid's mother) very clearly wants them to be friends; they often invite Sam along to do fun stuff and the mom calls me to chat, etc. But this kid is trouble - he's always in trouble at school (sassing teachers, defiance, not following directions) and he is not a good influence on Sam, to the point where Sam doesn't even want to be around him, because Sam doesn't want to be in trouble all the time. How do I politely distance myself from this mom and her son, who so very clearly want to be friends with my kid (and me)?I feel guilty – this boy is shuttled back and forth between his mom and his dad. At his mom's, he has a step brother (with a live-in girlfriend); no idea what life is like at his dad's. Clearly he's loved and cared for, but it's not the home Sam comes from. So yeah, guilt. Middle-class, married guilt on my part.

Help.

Vi, in Princeton, NJ

A: Let’s answer your stated question first. “How do I politely distance myself from this mom and her son?” You have several options. You could be bold and say “We’re not going to allow Sam to come over there because I’m worried about the trouble Sam gets into when he hangs out with your son.” This will not alleviate your guilt, and cuts the kid off pretty cold, but if you feel he is a true danger to your son then it’s a viable option. You can make up excuses until they get the hint and move on or you’ve had enough time to see some maturing in this kid. Or you can fake a long-lasting typhoid infection and government quarantine in your home. A question for you is: Do you want to cut off this friendship or just put boundaries on it? First off you need buy in from Sam. Has he completely written this kid off? Remember, my feeling is that kids should be inclusive at school but get to refuse invitations outside of school. If he would like to hang out with this kid but not get into trouble, and you see benefit to Sam (and maybe this other child) to fostering a friendship then you maybe have the opportunity to open Sam’s horizons a little and teach a bigger life lesson. What can our kids learn from having a friend who is “trouble?” They learn the difference between a person and their actions. They learn that friendship doesn’t mean rubber-stamping someone else’s behavior or blindly following. They stay alert for unexpected goodness in a person and unexpected danger in a situation, and to make decisions in an evolving, flexible way. If you and your spouse (“married guilt”) decide that this kid can have a place in Sam’s life and Sam agrees, you can do that without too much risk. Remember the old maxim to keep your friends close and your enemies closer? This is even more true of our kids’ friends. If you don’t trust someone your son wants to hang out with, make sure your son knows he is welcome to spend time with this child AT YOUR HOUSE or under your supervision. Sam may be showing excellent judgment with this situation, in which case you should follow his lead. For sure, though, there will be a new kid in the future that Sam will love and you will not. So assuage your guilt (and teach some life lessons) by inviting this kid along with your family instead of sending Sam off with his.