Give yourself the empathy you'd give them

Last month, we talked a lot about naming friction. This month, I want to talk about what happens when the friction isn't small.

You get a diagnosis. Someone you love gets sick. You're put on a performance improvement plan at work. A relationship ends. Something happens that you didn't choose, didn't plan for, and suddenly the path you thought you were on looks very different.

We talk a lot about resilience as the ability to navigate change toward a positive goal. But when you're blindsided, I think there are three steps before you can really start navigating:Empathy. Examine. Expectations.

First, empathy.

Here's a trick I use: Pretend this didn't happen to you. Pretend it happened to a colleague you deeply respect or a friend you really love.

What would you say to them?

You probably wouldn't tell them to get over it, stop being scared, or figure everything out by Tuesday.

Whatever empathy you'd offer that person? That's the empathy you are due from yourself.

Then examine. What are the actual facts? Do you have the information you need? Are you reacting to what's happening, or everything you're afraid might happen next?

Finally, expectations. What's the positive goal you're navigating toward?

With a diagnosis, maybe your first goal is finding the person who knows this illness best. At work, maybe it's improving in your role or realizing this isn't the right role for you.

Resilience isn't skipping over fear and getting straight to action. You can't navigate a change you don't understand.

Start with empathy. Get the facts. Then decide where you're trying to go.

For now, I'm curious: Would you speak to yourself the way you'd speak to someone you deeply respect?

All my best,

Dr. G