Help! My Friend and Her Kids are Abused

Dear Dr G, My friend's husband insults her and screams at the kids nonstop. The house is so chaotic when he's home that I worry they will grow up and think its a normal house. She thinks a 2 parent household is necessary for her kids. How do I get my friend and her 3 kids out of her emotionally abusive home?

Anonymous, state not provided

Wow, I have so much empathy for your frustration! And empathy is exactly the tool you need the most as a friend in this situation. Allowing abuse is incredibly difficult to understand, especially if you’ve never walked in those shoes. First let me say that

you

can not get your friend and her 3 kids out of her emotionally abusive home. Only your friend can change her situation, and she may actually not be able to do that. What you can do is build up her self-esteem, and keep giving her a message of hope.  You can also help her kids.

How to support your adult friend?

It’s important to remember that she is an adult.

1. She is making choices every day that she believes are best for her family. And you do not know that she is wrong. It may be that her husband threatens her with not seeing her own children if she leaves. He might (depending on her, him, their money, their history, many factors) be able to make that threat a reality. There may be other pressures you don't understand. Keep this in mind.

2. Her self-esteem is worn down. It’s nearly impossible to live with constant insults, especially from someone who is supposed to love you, without internalizing those comments as truth. This you can fight, with sincere compliments and admiration. Her husband sees her as weak, don’t add fuel to that fire.

3. Empathy goes a lot further than scolding, or even begging. “That sounds so hard. You don’t deserve to be treated that way.”

4. Offer hope. “When you’re ready to look at other options, I’m here for you.” “Would you like me to go with you to see a counselor?” “Is there anything I can do to help?”

How to help her children?

Consider safety, and model another vision.

1. Are they safe? If you believe these kids are being abused you have a moral obligation to get help. I know the system is flawed, but the era of “staying out of it” when we fear a child is being hurt has passed for good reasons. The school, a child’s doctor, a clergy person are all places you can turn if you are not certain whether a call to Youth Services is warranted.

2. Children in a home with emotional abuse also have low self-esteem. If you spend time with these children, you can build them up. Smiles, kinds words and sincere compliments can make a real difference.

3. Your worry that these children will interpret their home as “normal” is completely fair. So show them a different version of family love. Gently encourage friendships between your children and these kids, and have them over to your home. Without making a big production out of it, model caring behavior. Don’t hide conflict, but make sure it is respectful, and caring.

Most of all, be patient. These situations take time for change to occur. Make sure your friend knows that you are there for her whether she stays or goes. This will make it much easier for her to see a way out. And remember, most women leave abusive situations and return to them several times before they get out for good.   Have you ever had success leaving someone who treated you badly, or supporting a friend who did? What can we do to help someone who feels trapped?