Just do this.

Warning:  This is a downer.  And a call to action.  I’m hoping to make you think about something hard, and make you DO something.  If you aren’t up to it today, bookmark this for a future day.  Just don’t skip it entirely because I wouldn’t nag you like this if it wasn’t really, really important. One of my best friends is in sales.  We started together in drama school a bunch of years ago, and (like a lot of my theater friends) when I gave up a great theater job to go to med school she was astounded.   And a little dismayed.  As one friend put it, “What are you doing?  Now it IS brain surgery!”  When my friend in sales gets a frantic call about a shipment that will be a day late, she invariably tells them, “You know what?  My good friend is a doctor.  When she has bad news, people die.  Is anyone going to die?” Most days this story (and the various reactions she gets) makes me chuckle.  The truth is, though, she’s right.  More often than I’d like, I have to tell people that someone they love is dying.  As you might imagine, this causes a shift in focus and a fair amount of introspection.  I won’t bore you with my all of my grappling with mortality. In truth, I’m grateful for the perspective this gives me.  I do actually get less upset by the small stuff than I used to.  But that isn’t all.  Here is where you come in. Are you ready? I don’t mean are you ready to die.  In my experience, very few people under the age of 85 are ready to die, and that is how it should be, I think. I mean, have you done that stuff you ought to do just in case?

1. Who will take care of your kids?  Do THEY know that?  Seriously, have you asked them to be your children’s guardians if you and your partner die?  Have you written it down in a legal document and given it to someone for safe keeping?  Don’t let your kids become the bone grandparents fight over in their grief.  Or leave them to be shuttled between homes for months while the family figures it out.  Try not to let siblings become separated.

2. Do you have life insurance?  In the horrible event of your family having to go on without you, try not to leave them struggling to make the mortgage as well.

3. Do you have a living will?  This has nothing to do with your stuff.  This is a document that guides your family if you are unconscious but not dead, about what you want them to do.  As a doctor I see far too many instances of families fighting and breaking down over old hurts and grudges when these decisions need to be made and it has never been discussed.

I KNOW this is awful.  Some people believe, down deep, that discussing this is tempting fate.  For some it seems too painful to contemplate.  Also, doing this does not guarantee that it won’t be necessary. Since when do parents get to ignore something because it’s hard? It’s not only the right thing to do, you’ll feel better when it’s done.