My Friend's Bad Parenting is Poisoning My Kids!

How do you deal with your kid picking up behaviors from other kids? My specific situation was that an old college friend came to visit and stay with me for a few days, and her daughter sneaks around and did things that she was told not to do. She also whined constantly. My kids know that these are unacceptable behaviors, but they started doing them. The old standby "We have different rules for our family" isn't working. We visit these friends once or twice a year. I need to figure out how to deal with this!

Anonymous, on Facebook

What is really awkward is not the other kids’ behavior. If your kids don't do these things, it's because you taught them not to. The problem is you don’t want to make your parenting an attack on your friends’ parenting. When we watch a child whine or sneak around or disobey (old-fashioned word, I know), and then scold our own kids for doing the same, it’s like saying: “Hey, your parenting sucks!” So we hold back, don’t give consequences or try to teach our kids without anyone noticing. This can work. It is worth being respectful, especially in someone else’s home. The trick is to warn your kids before hand, and decide on your own limits.

At their house:

Have a conversation (or three) before you get there. This of course depends on the age of your kids, but if they are verbal, this will help. “Lee sometimes does things we don’t respect. She whines, or isn’t honest or good to her parents at times. What should we do if you start to behave that way at their house too?” Acknowledge that it is hard to be “good” when someone else is misbehaving. Let you kids talk about their feelings about her behavior or about your rules. Don’t change your rules, but it’s great to show some empathy. After all, it is not fair that they have to behave ALL the time. It’s right, but not fair. For younger kids, come up with a secret signal for great choices and a different signal for “oh, careful!” Plan how you will let them know if they have crossed the line. Let them know what the consequences will be if they can hold it together and be great, and what will happen if they don’t. If you’re going for an extended visit, make sure you get some “family time” while you are there away from your hosts. This is good for your kids and will give you a chance to reinforce their good choices, or recreate your plan if it isn’t working.

At your house:

I actually think this one is harder. Not only do you need to be clear and consistent about the rules in your own home, but kids want you to enforce your rules to all the kids in your home. It is more “unfair” in their minds if another four year old gets away with throwing your kids’ toys when that isn’t allowed. I think some prep before the visit will help your kids understand the situation. The best solution is the hardest one. Talk to your friend. Let her know that you need to enforce your family rules for all the kids in your home. Don’t criticize her child or her parenting, and stay away from the whining. Just ask her help in establishing the “stuff” rules. If this kiddo is sneaking food or TV time or something else tangible, these are good topics to discuss. If you can, throw the blame back on yourself and your kids. “We’ve been having some challenges with our kids lately, so we’re trying to be really consistent.” Or blame it on me! “I read Dr. G’s website and she says kids are too confused by different rules for friends in the house, so the only way we can expect our kids to follow our new rules is if we ask everyone to follow them.” * This is HARD! Do you risk the friendship if you talk to her? Probably not, especially if you present it as a problem of your own that you need her help to solve. We love to help our friends, and it may make it easier for her to talk about her own parenting struggles. She may even be inspired by you! Most of us know that we don’t want whiny, sneaky kids and are just looking for a way to change the course. *It’s true – I think that kids respect us and our rules more if we aren’t afraid to say that they are for all the kids in the house. Anybody else have suggestions about this tricky situation?