Skipping classes

Q: My high schooler is skipping some classes, what should I do?

~Maria, in Portland, OR

A:When I first read this question I thought, wait! I need details! Which classes, how often, how is she doing in school? After some more consideration, those details don’t really matter. From the perspective of raising a responsible adult, here is my considered opinion: don’t do anything. Pause for breath here, I can feel your blood pressure rise, see your mouth drop open. How in the world can doing nothing about truancy help to raise an adult I will admire? This woman is crazy, I’m never reading her blog again! OK, if you’re still with me, here it is. You can’t micro-manage teenagers. Grilling (and punishing) your teen for every skipped class, every lie told, every interaction handled badly, will set you up for a about six to ten years of conflict, but will not give the space necessary for the development of a responsible adult. I know there is a swirling Technicolor spiral in your head. Skipping English to a failing grade to more avoidance and more failure to a high school drop-out and drug addict. And the background music is on the How-Have-I-Failed-As-A-Parent Top Ten Greatest Hits. So here is a plan.

Step 1

Decide on your requirements of your teen’s academic performance. This may mean a certain grade point average, or a certain minimum grade in most classes. This may mean a quarterly letter signed by teachers that the student is working hard. This probably includes your child being safe during the school day (OK, all the time, but stay focused here people). This should include staying out of trouble at school. Administrative action at school should also mean consequences at home.

Step 2

Make your requirements clear to your teen. Decide (adults only or with input from the student) on the consequences if your requirements aren’t met.

Step 3

Write it down and have parents and teen sign it. Put in this contract how often the teen’s performance will be reviewed. This could be by grading period, monthly communication with teacher, daily signed sheet for a kid that is really struggling (but ease up on this as their compliance improves). Also include in the contract any help the student wants that you find reasonable, like a tutor or computer access, or a whiteboard to help remember assignments. Put in consequences for the parents if you nag!

Step 4

Live by it. This is the hardest part. You can make a very detailed contract if you want to, including number of tardies and absences and quiz grades and number of books read and notes passed in study hall. I REALLY don’t recommend that! Let your teen find out by trial and error how to fulfill these requirements. Offer help and advice ONLY WHEN ASKED. If your child has such a contract, they will quickly learn that skipping classes leads to consequences at home due to poor grades. You are giving them the opportunity to make mistakes and learn from them. That is the education they need to grow into an admirable adult. If your child gets in trouble at school for truancy, make sure they have big consequences because they violated the contract. This mimics adult life and encourages better decision-making in the future. Which is how we all learned which “classes” we could skip and which we couldn’t. OK, bring it everyone! I look forward to reading your comments.