Stop tracking your kids.

One of the most provocative things I say to parents on stages is this:

Stop tracking your teens.

Stop tracking them geographically. Stop tracking them academically. Stop tracking them socially.

I know.

That sounds like I am asking you to care less.

I am not.

I am asking us to question something we have started to assume is true: that if we can know where our kids are, how fast they are moving, what grade they got, who they are with, and what they are doing, then they are safer.

Tracking our kids has not been shown to make them safer. It does, however, give parents a lot more data to manage.

Now you know your teenager drove 69 in a 65. Is that an action item? Now you know they went to a different friend’s house than the one they mentioned earlier. Is that a problem? A conversation? A punishment? A text? A wait-and-see? Now they don’t answer right away, and you are awake at midnight wondering if they are mad at you because you are too in their business.

That cognitive load drains your resilience. But that is not even the biggest reason I talk about this.

The bigger reason is what it teaches kids.

It tells them: You are not safe in the world unless I am in your pocket. You are not competent unless I am watching. You don’t have the skills to navigate this. And that may be true of your kid right now. You are the expert on your kid.

But then the question is: what is your plan? What do they need to learn so you can STOP tracking them?

Because if they are not ready yet, our job is not to track them forever. Our job is to help them build the skills they need to become ready. Resilience is not built by surveillance. It is built by practice, trust, mistakes, repair, and strategies.

Where are you tracking when you could be - maybe should be - teaching?

All my best,

Dr. G