Ten Year Old Tantrums

My 10 year old son throws tantrums every time he's asked to do something he "doesn’t feel like doing." ie; take a shower, do a chore, etc.. We have an established routine, and he knows the consequences - which we follow through with - and yet, he still falls apart at least 3-4 times a week. Any ideas?

Anonymous, in PA

Can’t you just empathize with your son to the bottom of your soul? Wow, there are times when I would like to throw a good, old-fashioned tantrum if I have to do one more thing! That said, this is not a reasonable behavior to take with him to adulthood, so you’re right to address it. You and your co-parent should keep in mind that this is likely to improve with age. Impulse control is hard, and does tend to improve some on its own as kids get older. That doesn’t mean you can ignore it in the meantime though! I have three possible suggestions, and you’ll know which are most likely to succeed with your child. 1.

Challenge your son to name emotion and replace the expression.

So first, when he is not in the middle of a freak-out, he tries to make a list of the emotions he feels that lead to these outbursts. After he has calmed down from a tantrum is a good time to get him to put add one or two feelings to this list until he feels he’s got a pretty complete list. Then ask him to make a list of other ways he can get those feelings out. He may want to use a punching bag to pound out some of these feelings. He may want to run or jump or write or sing. He may feel better by showering or rolling around on his bed. Encourage him to be really creative (as long as it’s free and safe and not food-based). Then let him try some of these solutions to figure out what works. To stem the tantrum you’re going to have to catch him really early in his downward spiral. Stopping on that path is hard but is a great skill for him to learn. He can do it! 2.

Reward him for tantrum-free obedience.

I am not suggesting he get a parade in his honor every time he lives up to his responsibilities. However, if he is a kid who likes to work towards a goal you can go the big-kid version of a sticker chart and keep track of each day he gets through in a week as he works to break this habit. Set up your expectations for him: This week, if you can get through 5 days without losing it, this weekend you get a 2 hour block of time with me to do an activity of your choice (within parental limits). This teaches a great lesson: the more pleasant you are to be around, the more your loved ones want to spend time with you! Let him know that you’re going to build your expectations over the next 6 weeks so that he can learn that he has control over this habit. 3.

Give consequences for the tantrum, separate from the consequences for not doing what he needs to do.

By this I mean make it very clear in calm moments that a tantrum will lead to separate consequences later. If he, for example, loses his screen time in the evening if he fails to shower, his tantrum may result in an earlier bedtime, as well as no screen time. Kids are usually practical beings and try to do what benefits them, and avoid what doesn’t. Also be sure to notice out loud when he accomplishes what he’s been asked to do without any drama!