What doesn’t matter and what I can’t control

My Dad died last week. If you’re curious, you can read about him, but what I’d like to tell you today is that he asked very practical questions. Questions like “Well, what did you learn?” or “So, what are you going to do now?” Unsurprisingly, I’ve been hearing those questions in his voice and trying to answer them as best I can. Even knowing those answers may change, here’s what I’ve learned that I hope will be of use to you.

There are more things than I would like that are beyond my control, yes. This is not news to you, or to me. And you’ll likely not be surprised when I tell you that this time has clarified for me what does and doesn’t truly matter.

The lesson I’ve found that is new – to me at least – is in the alchemy between those two reminders. A lot of things that are out of my control don’t actually matter that much. Even things that – in the moment – try to take the lion’s share of my attention, that press on my stomach with the desperate urge to make them “come out right” don’t cause lasting impact.

I found that my attention to my Dad’s vital signs, for instance, didn’t really matter. When his amazing nurse suggested turning off the monitor I found I was able to think less about how my Dad was as he was dying and more about who he was in all of his living. I found that worrying about whether my kids had clean shirts for the funeral or what the exact timing should be was – while an attempt to protect myself from the moment – not something that mattered to me or anyone else when we got there. My partner spent the week reorienting me towards what is actually important to me, and I’m grateful beyond words.

So the answer to my Dad’s question “Well, what did you learn?” is, in a truly Jewish way, a question itself. My answer is that I learned to ask myself “That thing is beyond your control – does it actually matter?” And what I’m going to do now is find the center of what I can control and what does matter. I hope it will inspire you to do the same.

What are you worried about that doesn’t matter and can you shift? Hit reply and tell me, please.

All my best,

Dr. G